| Hair. |
[10 Sep 2008|10:55am] |
I've mentioned a few times, on a whim, that I planned to grow my hair out and pretty much change my overall look to something feminine and appealing. Of course it was a joke, but I've seen some rather masculine, skirt-haters become the ideal female physically upon certain life changes. Dating the right person, for instance. Marriage, childbirth, and so on. So I suppose I shouldn't count myself down and out of The Race to Be a Woman: the idea that we are not born as women but that we must be made into women; that genitalia alone is not enough. I don't have a concrete idea of what a woman should be due to that little thing called individuality, but I'm aware of what comes to mind for most people. The physical, as I mentioned, as well as a certain level of maturity and one's own financial security. I'm certain traditional types feel differently about a woman securing her own finances, but for the rest of us, it's admirable and high on the "list". Afterall, it's often said that a "real woman" takes care of herself ... until she finally meets a man she can marry and then she can stop the act, right?
Pardon my sarcasm. I was only supposed to announce that I am in fact growing out my hair to look pretty - which is what I've been accused of by a few people who have seen it recently. At least I didn't mention all the silly things such as submission, vulnerability (which is something "only women display"), a "natural" desire for women to have doors opened for them, expecting a man to pay for everything, having our oh-so-heavy bags carried for us, etc. Although, I must say, there are cases where it's a must for me and tells me alot about a male when he doesn't follow through. Such as if the bag really is too heavy and I'm already carrying a few others. In high school, I was walking with a male friend who fancied me but I didn't return the interest, and it was discovered as we walked along back to my house. He left me carrying all these bags after I told him I wasn't interested in him in a romantic way. So yes, it is nice for anyone you happen to be shopping with to help you out - I simply do not hold that exclusive to sex.
( Another high school story. Skip it or click it )
I will focus on the hair for the remainder of this entry. Or ... well, I'll try to anyway. I had long hair all throughout my childhood, as most of us do, and I had no problem with that. But as I got older, I did realize that because of the way I looked, people assumed I was something I wasn't. The two guys in the above experiences made this very mistake. A look shouldn't define who you are. You should be able to wear whatever clothing you like, whatever haircut you like, and so forth. But as a teenager, it began to annoy me. From age fifteen to maybe one's late twenties, we in fact act out our frustrations. Not to say that a fifty year old man buying a motorcycle or dating a twenty-one year old isn't "acting out" a midlife crisis, but teens and twenty-somethings do this pretty much on a constant basis. When I was recording my first album, recording songs about strength and such, I felt this boost of power and I ended up cutting my hair short and wearing boy's clothing. And it became my persona throughout my About A Girl album phase. As a "public figure", many people are witness to your transitions, which can suck at times. But at this time, I enjoyed who I was and what I felt I represented.
After this stage of my life came to an end, I was saddened, believe it or not. I didn't know who to be or what to do. I tried school, continued writing and my mother said she missed my long hair, so I grew it out and even stopped dying it. I wrote an album that expressed my confusion at that time and it wasn't well-received due to my previous persona, which was full of naivety. Still, I'll always look back at it and feel good because of the innocence, because of how much I truly believed in what I was singing even though it was cheesy. I gave a real part of myself on my second album, What May Come, and when it wasn't a hit or whatever, I personally felt rejected. I remember preparing for the photo shoot for the album and deciding to cut my hair again. I felt really weak as a person at this point, so I guess I thought I could expect a second surge of energy when I changed my hair. Or at least, maybe people would be fooled into thinking I wasn't as weak as my songs.
So yes, hair and me, we have a history. Alot of people go through life with the same hairstyle. I couldn't imagine such an existence. I just like short hair because I'm able to manage it effortlessly, which isn't the case for alot of people. So I continued with different variations of the short cut for a few years following What May Come. My current album has done well and I didn't accredit my hairstyle to any of it's success. Just the music and the healthier place that I've discovered in the last few years. So why not throw caution to the wind and try something beyond the haircut I've had since forever? I didn't see a reason not to do so and I felt good about it when I realized it was growing rather quickly. Then someone attempts to sum up the reason behind this "huge decision" and is completely wrong. It did upset me. So much so that I wrote an entire entry about hair.
I'm being pressured (lol, no, not really) for new photos for my official gallery, but I'd like to wait until I have something different from the photos of the last, oh, nine years. My next album is going to be amazingly different from previous ones and I'd just like a look to go with that is all.
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